I've always been one to keep myself to myself. Sometimes it's for the better, sometimes it's for the worse. It's for the better when, say, you're in a busy place like London, because I just keep my head down and stick to where I'm going, always keeping out of any kind of trouble. It's for the worse when, say, you're the quietest person in a class/group, or at a party (side note: I don't really go to parties, I'm way too uncool!), because people don't know what to make of you. Am I being rude, am I not interested in chatting to other people? No, it's none of that - it's that I get anxious in many social situations, finding it scary to communicate with new people. What if they hate me!? What if I'm boring!? (what if my mind would actually leave me alone for once!?) It's the reason I think I would never go on a date. My last two relationships have come from chatting to each person online for ages beforehand, finding out you have things in common and then taking it from there. Speaking of online, it's where I make friends nowadays. Everything becomes easier when you know you have something in common - music/bands, sports, video games, etc. - and, of course, when you can hide behind a screen.
On my social media - and usually in real life, to an extent - as you will have seen, I tend to remain rather positive. Whether it be posting about my favourite bands, sports teams, video games, TV shows, etc., I'm rarely negative; and whilst that's what people would definitely rather see, it's not necessarily how I'm actually always feeling. Yes, what I'm posting is always 100% genuine about my personality/interests/likes, but often only from the one side of me: the "positive" side. For example: unless I actually already told you, how many people would have a clue that I've been suffering with depression for about three+ months? Truth be told, I don't think my family or close friends really know! And that's another bad example of keeping myself to myself: that nobody really knows what I'm thinking, as I don't talk about my problems (which is why I thought this blog piece would be both completely honest and therapeutic).
Before anybody says, "maybe you're just sad?" No, sadness is when one of my favourite sports teams loses an important match; when a band I love splits up; when I was in a long distance relationship and had to leave my girlfriend temporarily. And by that I mean, you're sad for a bit, but you know you're happy/okay in general. With depression, it's the other way around: I have moments of happiness - bands/songs/concerts, gaming (be it alone or with Daniel or Pete), favourite TV shows, etc. - but I know that I'm still not good. I've really been struggling to pinpoint the exact reason why it hit me. Was it because I was ill over Christmas and New Year, causing me to completely lack in any festive spirit, as well as making me fairly grumpy? Was it because I was single for the first time in three Christmases (I don't think it was this, I've been perfectly happy being single - although, maybe it was hitting me during the holidays)? Did the Britain's Got Talent rejection get to me? Was it because I'd been stupidly gambling away money I had worked hard to earn? Maybe it's all of those things, combined with about a million other problems I have - most of which could probably be solved if I got out of my head occasionally!
I started gambling - by my own means - sometime last year. I guess it's something I wouldn't have even remotely considered doing whilst in a relationship - because my money was important for that - but I certainly don't want to make excuses. At first, it was sensible and fine, and because only a little bit of money was being spent on it occasionally, if I did actually win, I was making a profit. And I did win, a lot (my sports knowledge is VERY good), sometimes £100+, around £300 at one point, around £900 on another occasion - and then you had the time I won around £1000+. This sort of money has bought me: plenty of Amiibos (Nintendo's collectible figures - I'm a proud geek!), concert tickets, even a 40-inch HD TV for the living room, amongst other things. But, sadly, I didn't stop. I got greedy, hoping to win more and more - but it just doesn't work like that! I'd like to think I've learnt my lesson from all the money I've lost, but only time will tell. I wish to point out that I never steal to gamble, or sell things to gamble, or anything like that - and I, of course, would never do those things, I'm not that type of guy. Hell, I've never even walked into a betting shop before, and I don't plan on doing so! This all just came about because of the convenience of how easy it is to use a debit card to place bets online on my phone - and because of my foolishness, of course.
I took a couple of online tests for depression: one told me I had "severe depression", whilst the NHS one told me "it's very likely you have some form of depression, go see your doctor." I haven't gone and got any help yet, but maybe I need to? I almost went and got help in February before the All Time Low concert I was going to; in fact, I even had a doctors appointment booked for the morning of the day of the concert, but I didn't go, which I know is a really bad thing to do. I really just wasn't feeling up for the concert, and if I can't even get motivated for a concert from one of my favourite bands, then something is certainly wrong in my head! Fortunately, I did go, and things were at least starting to pick up a bit, and after I had been to the two concerts I had tickets for in February - All Time Low and Twenty One Pilots (I'll be writing about those two phenomenal nights on my blog very soon - back to positive posts!) - I was really starting to feel better, in the way that only the enchantment of concerts can do so. Then, days after the Twenty One Pilots concert, I fell ill with the worst physical illness I've had in as long as I can remember. A really bad case of flu that was making me feel like I was on fire - even when the temperature was actually 0 degrees Celsius outside(!) - one of the worst sore throats ever; a cold so bad that it was giving me epic nosebleeds that made it look like I'd murdered somebody in my dad's bathroom; and general pain coming from my head, eyes, and most body parts. The illness lasted about two-three weeks, and to say it knocked me back down would be an understatement. I missed a concert, I missed live Reading football matches, and I still haven't really shaken off the state I got into during the illness. For those wondering if I've been suicidal? Yes, on many occasions, but I don't think I would ever actually be able to go through with anything. There are certain aspects of life that I like a great deal, including all my wonderful family and friends.
The way that I've been feeling is why I haven't written on this blog in months; and it's the same reason I have been useless at messaging people, too, and I'm really sorry. I haven't written this looking for sympathy. I've written it for the sake of being honest. In the hope that I'll look back on this in the future and see how far I've come. I'm sure I'll be okay, I surround myself with nice, caring, amazing people, whether they live in the same house as me, or on the other side of the planet! If you read this, thank you so much for taking the time! This piece of writing got longer than expected - and it's not the type of blog you can fill with pretty pictures, either - so if you read it all, you're awesome, and I can't thank you enough for caring! <3
